2x Hopeful

Dear John,

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 05:36:00 -0500

Once upon a time I had a close friend. I won’t mention her name. In fact, I won’t mention any of the names of the persons I will mention in this blog post.

She was my closest friend. For 2 or 3 years—I forget—we had the strongest bond out of all of our other friends. But she left me in 2010.

I wasn’t too good for her. We fought, yes. But we fought because I would stand up to her and her unfair decisions. She wanted to run my life, you see, and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t.

1 and 2 and 3 months after we stopped talking, I reached out for her. Three times, I think. But she wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t. So I began to let go.

2011.

I fell in love with some guy. Over the internet—I know, retarded—but he really got me. We knew each other for awhile before we decided to venture into the whole romantic relationship business. Maybe it was a mistake though.

I cheated on him. Looking back on it, I kinda don’t regret it. Maybe that’s not good to say.

I regret it, but perhaps that’s what he needed for him to wake up and learn to how to treat others with respect. We broke up. Got back together again and the same deal happened, except he was more deceiving this time. Less sympathetic.

This past Fall.

Wasn’t really looking for anything with anyone. But life’s all about opportunities and chances and something showed up.

It was first with a girl who I didn’t know if I was physically attracted to—I wasn’t. And second, came a boy who I found myself attracted to as time went along—days, not like seconds.

He didn’t want anything serious at the end, despite all the sweet and nice things he would say to me often. I dunno what he wanted actually, but I don’t regret taking that one chance, you know? The first time we tried to have sex, we didn’t use a condom. Reckless, I know, but I felt a deeper connection to him. I felt good (plus, we talked about being tested and whatnot).

John, I honestly feel like life’s too short to be playing games, but sometimes you have to partake in them to get something. The game of Cat and Mouse, or pushing and then pulling away.

And when I get what I want, John. When I get what I’ve most wished for in my life, I’m gonna throw it away. Because that seems like what’s in right now.

"So you’re the famous Joel? I’ve heard a lot about you."

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 10:53:22 -0500

“So you’re the famous Joel? I’ve heard a lot about you.”

- The boss of the boss of my manager when she first met me.

Quoted Justin Bieber

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 07:00:57 -0500

Was really drunk one night in the park with my co-workers and him. The rest of them were just laughing and enjoying the night with a couple of drinks in hand, while I sat next to him and I asked if I could feel his heart. I felt his heartbeat.

Every time I’m with him I smile so brightly.

I told him, “We can go nowhere but up from here, do you know that?” He looked at me and laughed. Dunno if he knows that I was quoting Bieber, but I sure as hell didn’t let him know that.

But such a quote felt right for such an intimate moment.

We can go nowhere but up.

Sailed the Seas

Fri, 02 Dec 2011 14:36:00 -0500

Sailed the seas to find you
I’d bring you chests of gold
But you wouldn’t want them
So I would sail back home

I just can’t understand why I can’t have the one girl I want.

Sailed the seas to find you
Braved through a hurricane
Marched up to your door, all cold and wet
You told me to go back home

I don’t get it.

Sailed the seas to find you
My Dad was sick and I needed you
I needed you
Three telegrams I sent you, you sent none

Can’t she just try? Am I doing something wrong?

Sailed the seas to find you
With endless hope, with a smile on my face
Brought some fish to dine with you
You said you didn’t like fish

I’m not a bad person, you know?

Sailed the seas to find you
My compass pointing North, my heart pointing towards you
You told me you’d wait at the Bay
But when I arrived, you weren’t there

You were never there

You Left Me Scars Too

Sun, 20 Nov 2011 12:42:00 -0500

Many of them, actually. But since you never would put anyone else first, you never realized it. You were always very selfish, you know.

I think about you every single day. And no, not because I miss you, but as a lesson that I have convinced myself never to repeat. Never will I be reckless with someone else’s heart as you were with mine.

And whether you choose to believe it or not, you were very reckless with mine. That just wasn’t fair to me.

I know you think about me and you probably will for a long time. Who can forget the million little good things I would do for you or the many ways I made you feel calm? But that night, you made me reach my breaking point and I said, “No more.”

But you left me scars too, even if you didn’t cheat on me, as I did with you. The other day I got high and I started spazzing out and crying because of you. All I could repeat was, “I don’t wanna hurt anybody else. I don’t wanna get hurt.” My friend held me and told me it was gonna be alright.

I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. But that single event does not define me. You should’ve seen that. I wish you would’ve seen that. Everything I did after that day was to prove you how much you meant to me, but you let your own insecurities destroy our relationship. And you lied to me. And you would ignore me. And you led me on…

That hurt, you know? That hurt more than you could ever imagine.

I’m moving on. I’ve been going on dates and whatnot, feels good. But I’ll always remember you. Thanks so much for the beautiful memories. Despite it all, you helped me become the romantic I am today.

Physical Attraction

Tue, 15 Nov 2011 05:58:00 -0500

So call me silly, but the whole thing with the girl didn’t end up working out. To put it plain and simple, there was just no magic between us—at least on my side.

I enjoyed her company very, very much and I could, and still can, talk to her about anything. However, when I would hold her (or kiss her), I just didn’t feel my heart beat unusually. In fact, when I would kiss her, I always wanted to stop and pull away. She wasn’t a bad kisser; it just didn’t turn me on.

I dunno how many people I’ve kissed in this past year alone, but I have had a good share of great kisses before and I know what feels wrong and what feels right. With her, it just felt forced.

As always, I told her what was on my mind and how I was feeling, and we decided to just be friends—thank goodness. I didn’t want to pursue something that I wasn’t feeling, but I am glad that I did give it a shot, like I said I wanted to. I was very unsure at first, but now I’m quite sure that this is the right decision. The “what if?” question would’ve haunted me forever had I not even attempted to see if things could work between us.

It also helped me come to the conclusion that I’m just gay. I just love dick, man. My mind was in it, but my body was like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Good news though.

There’s a cute boy at work and I recently found out that he’s really single after all. I had always thought he was dating another co-worker of ours, but I found out (through him) that they’re just friends. Guess what train I’m jumping on now? haha

I pulled him into the back fridge downstairs with the excuse that I couldn’t find the apple cider, so he went in to help me find it. I followed. Once he found it, he tried to pass it to me and I just laughed and said, “I didn’t need it really.” He laughed, knowing what was going on. I took that chance to tell him he was cute.

And he is. His name is Nicholas—we all call him Nick. He’s a cake icer at the bakery, probably around my age. I know that he loves Rihanna just as much as I do and he seems really nice. Got his number and gonna see where it goes.

I really love it when I set my mind on things and I end up doing them. My determination is one of my best qualities, I would say.

22

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 04:42:00 -0500

I turned 22 on October 9th, 2011. It’s weird—it always is—to say that you’re a year older than you were before; even now, a month or so into my 22nd year.

You look at yourself and nothing physically has changed. My height is still 5’9”, my shoe size is still 11 inches, my penis hasn’t grown longer or thicker (~~but how awesome would it be if it had?!~~). I’m still physically the same. So what’s different?

One of the first questions people tend to ask when others turn a year older is, “Well, do you feel older?” The reply is almost always, “No.” To my surprise, however, this time it isn’t a no.

Do I feel 22? Yes— whatever “feeling 22” means.

I do feel older. Older, as in wiser, more adept to handle different situations better. I feel more hopeful. And it’s not because somebody has come into my life and everything seems better again. No, no.

Single or not, I feel stronger; like I can look back at everything that has happened in the past year and take from it a lesson that no professor or textbook can teach me. And this time, with a different mindset.

I feel like I repeat myself every day, haha. To someone who has never met me or known of me, I would probably sound like a lunatic, rambling about hope and optimism and perseverance. Maybe I am a lunatic. However, it has never done me wrong. And that’s what fuels me.

You know, if I could have two things at this very moment, it would be some pizza and a blowjob. Simultaneously. It never hurts to be completely honest to yourself.

Maybe that’s what 22 is all about.

"LISTEN. LET’S DO IT. ALL OF IT. GO AROUND THE WORLD AND EXPLORE. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT TAKING..."

Tue, 08 Nov 2011 02:59:16 -0500

“LISTEN. LET’S DO IT. ALL OF IT. GO AROUND THE WORLD AND EXPLORE. LIFE IS ALL ABOUT TAKING CHANCES. Take my hand and hold it when I feel scared, ‘cause I’m just as human as anybody else and I do get scared. But as long as you hold it, I think I’ll be fine.”

- Text message to the girl I’m now officially dating

"Out with the old, in with the new"

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:08:05 -0500

I got my state ID card in the mail today. I opened it up with much enthusiasm and quickly smiled as I saw the photo they had taken of me. I don’t think I look too bad. I remember the lady who helped me fill out the papers at the DMV told me that I would laugh when I saw my picture. Looking back to that now, maybe she was only trying to scare me.

Finally, however, I can replace my expired passport. I would always use that thing as ID when buying alcohol, or just for professional or financial purposes, and it would always feel kinda shady, seeing as it was expired and the photo of me in it doesn’t really look like me anymore. Now, I finally have an up-to-date photo ID of myself and it feels good. Feels mature.

I’m glad I made the time to apply for one.

Strong

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 05:16:00 -0500

Whoever’s out there, perhaps watching all of us as we struggle with each new day, help me be strong. It gets hard sometimes. I can’t do it alone sometimes, you know? Just help me be strong.

Jupiter

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 04:37:06 -0400

Have you ever wanted to be able to point out one of those bright dots in the sky at night? I bet you can’t tell the difference between a star or a planet, or even a moon. Or maybe you can.

The other day, I was able to identify Jupiter as I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge with my co-worker and friend, Marielle. With a little help of a sweet app for the Android (Google Sky Map), we identified the large planet. It wasn’t too hard though with the naked eye, as it was one enormous white dot in the sky.

“How can you tell the difference?” she asked me. I explained to her that stars produce their own light, while planets (and moons) just reflect light. It’s why the Moon doesn’t shimmer, while the Sun does—though you shouldn’t really be staring at the Sun.

It was a nice night. We crossed the bridge at around midnight and just enjoyed each other’s company. I noticed that with her, I tend to be the one talking more. Well, sometimes. But it’s a nice change. I guess I just have a lot to say, especially as of recently.

As we arrived into Brooklyn, we wandered around the silent neighborhoods and just talked about different things. About being Jewish and what kosher or non-kosher meant—concepts that were a bit difficult for me to understand. About my sexual orientation too.

At one point, we dived into a deep discussion on sex and we talked about anal sex and how it felt like or how it was. I told her that if we ever were to become a couple, our sex life would be pretty freaky. “What do you mean?” was her immediate response to that and I responded, “Strap-ons.” We both enjoyed a good laugh after that.

She too brought up previous guy who had really hurt her and as she described that time in her life, I sensed her get a little sadder. I realized in that moment that I didn’t want to put this girl through the roller coaster that my ex-boyfriend had put me through. Not knowing what he wanted, not knowing how he felt. Nobody deserves that.

But I reminded her that she was beautiful. And I thanked her for coming out with me that night.

Hopes and Dreams

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 06:12:08 -0400

There’s this girl at work who I really enjoy talking with. From the very moment I met her, we clicked. I was dating someone at the time, so I didn’t let my thoughts run elsewhere—especially since I always considered myself to be gay—but after that relationship ended, I began wondering.

“What if this could work? After all, we do get along very well.”

That’s one of the thoughts that would run through my head every time I saw her at work. We often pass each other post-it notes, like two little kids in elementary school, and we laugh and smile at each from each end of the bakery. Sometimes we don’t even pay attention to the customers while we talk to each other; I sure hope this doesn’t get me fired one day.

The other day, I grabbed my balls and asked her out. “I wanna see you,” I told her. She said, “You wanna see me? What do you mean? Aren’t you gay?” And I said, “I am, but I dunno. You make me smile. Grab some coffee with me one day.” And we did. It was really nice.

Throughout the whole date, we just got along and talked about the most random things. We also talked our hopes and dreams; our goals. That just made me more interested in her than I thought I already was.

There’s just something about someone actually wanting to know the specifics of your life that is just so appealing and heartwarming. It feels like somebody actually cares. I’ve been missing that in my life lately.

Today, Halloween, I plan to surprise her at work with a flower. Dunno what I’m gonna go for yet, either a yellow rose or a lilac, but I’ll figure it out in a few hours.

I think she’s gonna love it.

Kissed a Guy

Sun, 30 Oct 2011 06:37:00 -0400

Went to Splash (a gay club) tonight with two of my friends. They’ve been having some trouble in their relationship lately, so seeing them argue all the time is tough; I love them together. However, we all decided to go have a good time at the club tonight and it didn’t turn out to be so bad.

As I left the two lovebirds to make up and settle their problems in private, I hung out with two girls and their gay guy pal on the dancefloor. They were all really fun, however, the guy seemed a bit shy. Me, being the crazy drunk that I am, I decided to pull him aside and shake off that awkwardness from him. I was successful.

I asked him, “Are you gay?” He responded yes. I then asked, “Have you ever been with a guy?” And once again he said yes, but it felt forced that time. Perhaps he had never been with a guy and his two girl friends took him out to the gay club to let him have a good time; it was his birthday after all.

“It’s my birthday,” he said. I said, “Really?? Might just give ya a nice birthday kiss then, is that okay?” He laughed and nodded, still hesitant. I waited for the right song to kick in and then there it was.

Adele’s “Someone Like You.”

We slow danced to the beat and then at one point, I just looked at him and planted a big smooch on his lips. Alright, well, more like a smooch and some tongue. But as soon as it was over, I told him, “Happy birthday.” I smiled. He was smiling too. His friends were taking pictures of us, so at that point I realized that this guy was a virgin and had never been kissed before, haha. And it felt good.

It felt good, not because I’m some predator who likes to go after virgin boys—mind you, this guy was like 25, he said—but because I like to make others feel good. I’m pretty sure that guy felt special tonight, whatever his name was. Didn’t bother even getting a name or a number. Getting laid wasn’t my purpose there tonight. Perhaps my purpose there tonight was to make that guy feel special and that’s something I can live with.

It’s something I can sleep to and feel good about.

Cheating

Sat, 29 Oct 2011 04:27:41 -0400

Wrote a really long message about cheating as I rode the train home tonight. And then I looked up a really good quote that’s had me thinking for the past hour or so:

Measure a man by his actions fully, from the beginning to end. Don’t take a piece out of his life and say this is what he’s about, because you know better than that.

No single event defines a person. If you cannot overlook one event in a person’s life to see the whole person, you do him a great disservice.

The first one is from Tupac—and yes, I know, I’m quoting rappers now, I’m retarded as fuck, haha. Second one I found from some user on Yahoo! Answers though.

You always gotta put perspective when you consider other people and the horrible things they’re going through. Empathy should be a universal human quality.

I chipped my tooth the other day.

Fri, 28 Oct 2011 15:03:23 -0400

I was typing something on my phone while walking rather quickly at the same time and then, BAM!! I crashed into one of those street poles. It really, really hurt.

As soon as I got it all back together and shook the impact off, I noticed that I had chipped a bit of my bottom left incisor. Glad I didn’t lose a tooth though. That would have been quite terrible.

Haha, hello. My name is Joel. I’m forcing myself to write as I type this because I’ve recently been going through tough times and I thought that writing would help me out. It certainly has so before.

I’ve been the author of many blogs in the past. My two recent ones, Love, Gravity, Etc. and Dear Kat; the former being what I would like to call my most successful blog. So why’d I leave it, you ask? Well, it reminded me too much of the past. I’ve been dealing with heartbreak recently, you see.

So out of all that, I decided to keep an upbeat attitude and remain hopeful. Two times hopeful. And that’s where I got the title for this blog.

I’ll try to commit to this as much as I can, but I assure you, it may not turn out as great as I would like to be. I lack motivation. I guess I should go find some.