2x Hopeful

Dear John,

Once upon a time I had a close friend. I won’t mention her name. In fact, I won’t mention any of the names of the persons I will mention in this blog post.

She was my closest friend. For 2 or 3 years—I forget—we had the strongest bond out of all of our other friends. But she left me in 2010.

I wasn’t too good for her. We fought, yes. But we fought because I would stand up to her and her unfair decisions. She wanted to run my life, you see, and I couldn’t have that. I couldn’t.

1 and 2 and 3 months after we stopped talking, I reached out for her. Three times, I think. But she wouldn’t have it. She wouldn’t. So I began to let go.

2011.

I fell in love with some guy. Over the internet—I know, retarded—but he really got me. We knew each other for awhile before we decided to venture into the whole romantic relationship business. Maybe it was a mistake though.

I cheated on him. Looking back on it, I kinda don’t regret it. Maybe that’s not good to say.

I regret it, but perhaps that’s what he needed for him to wake up and learn to how to treat others with respect. We broke up. Got back together again and the same deal happened, except he was more deceiving this time. Less sympathetic.

This past Fall.

Wasn’t really looking for anything with anyone. But life’s all about opportunities and chances and something showed up.

It was first with a girl who I didn’t know if I was physically attracted to—I wasn’t. And second, came a boy who I found myself attracted to as time went along—days, not like seconds.

He didn’t want anything serious at the end, despite all the sweet and nice things he would say to me often. I dunno what he wanted actually, but I don’t regret taking that one chance, you know? The first time we tried to have sex, we didn’t use a condom. Reckless, I know, but I felt a deeper connection to him. I felt good (plus, we talked about being tested and whatnot).

John, I honestly feel like life’s too short to be playing games, but sometimes you have to partake in them to get something. The game of Cat and Mouse, or pushing and then pulling away.

And when I get what I want, John. When I get what I’ve most wished for in my life, I’m gonna throw it away. Because that seems like what’s in right now.

Quoted Justin Bieber

Was really drunk one night in the park with my co-workers and him. The rest of them were just laughing and enjoying the night with a couple of drinks in hand, while I sat next to him and I asked if I could feel his heart. I felt his heartbeat.

Every time I’m with him I smile so brightly.

I told him, “We can go nowhere but up from here, do you know that?” He looked at me and laughed. Dunno if he knows that I was quoting Bieber, but I sure as hell didn’t let him know that.

But such a quote felt right for such an intimate moment.

We can go nowhere but up.

Sailed the Seas

Sailed the seas to find you
I’d bring you chests of gold
But you wouldn’t want them
So I would sail back home

I just can’t understand why I can’t have the one girl I want.

Sailed the seas to find you
Braved through a hurricane
Marched up to your door, all cold and wet
You told me to go back home

I don’t get it.

Sailed the seas to find you
My Dad was sick and I needed you
I needed you
Three telegrams I sent you, you sent none

Can’t she just try? Am I doing something wrong?

Sailed the seas to find you
With endless hope, with a smile on my face
Brought some fish to dine with you
You said you didn’t like fish

I’m not a bad person, you know?

Sailed the seas to find you
My compass pointing North, my heart pointing towards you
You told me you’d wait at the Bay
But when I arrived, you weren’t there

You were never there

You Left Me Scars Too

Many of them, actually. But since you never would put anyone else first, you never realized it. You were always very selfish, you know.

I think about you every single day. And no, not because I miss you, but as a lesson that I have convinced myself never to repeat. Never will I be reckless with someone else’s heart as you were with mine.

And whether you choose to believe it or not, you were very reckless with mine. That just wasn’t fair to me.

I know you think about me and you probably will for a long time. Who can forget the million little good things I would do for you or the many ways I made you feel calm? But that night, you made me reach my breaking point and I said, “No more.”

But you left me scars too, even if you didn’t cheat on me, as I did with you. The other day I got high and I started spazzing out and crying because of you. All I could repeat was, “I don’t wanna hurt anybody else. I don’t wanna get hurt.” My friend held me and told me it was gonna be alright.

I’m sorry I hurt you, I really am. But that single event does not define me. You should’ve seen that. I wish you would’ve seen that. Everything I did after that day was to prove you how much you meant to me, but you let your own insecurities destroy our relationship. And you lied to me. And you would ignore me. And you led me on…

That hurt, you know? That hurt more than you could ever imagine.

I’m moving on. I’ve been going on dates and whatnot, feels good. But I’ll always remember you. Thanks so much for the beautiful memories. Despite it all, you helped me become the romantic I am today.

Physical Attraction

So call me silly, but the whole thing with the girl didn’t end up working out. To put it plain and simple, there was just no magic between us—at least on my side.

I enjoyed her company very, very much and I could, and still can, talk to her about anything. However, when I would hold her (or kiss her), I just didn’t feel my heart beat unusually. In fact, when I would kiss her, I always wanted to stop and pull away. She wasn’t a bad kisser; it just didn’t turn me on.

I dunno how many people I’ve kissed in this past year alone, but I have had a good share of great kisses before and I know what feels wrong and what feels right. With her, it just felt forced.

As always, I told her what was on my mind and how I was feeling, and we decided to just be friends—thank goodness. I didn’t want to pursue something that I wasn’t feeling, but I am glad that I did give it a shot, like I said I wanted to. I was very unsure at first, but now I’m quite sure that this is the right decision. The “what if?” question would’ve haunted me forever had I not even attempted to see if things could work between us.

It also helped me come to the conclusion that I’m just gay. I just love dick, man. My mind was in it, but my body was like, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”

Good news though.

There’s a cute boy at work and I recently found out that he’s really single after all. I had always thought he was dating another co-worker of ours, but I found out (through him) that they’re just friends. Guess what train I’m jumping on now? haha

I pulled him into the back fridge downstairs with the excuse that I couldn’t find the apple cider, so he went in to help me find it. I followed. Once he found it, he tried to pass it to me and I just laughed and said, “I didn’t need it really.” He laughed, knowing what was going on. I took that chance to tell him he was cute.

And he is. His name is Nicholas—we all call him Nick. He’s a cake icer at the bakery, probably around my age. I know that he loves Rihanna just as much as I do and he seems really nice. Got his number and gonna see where it goes.

I really love it when I set my mind on things and I end up doing them. My determination is one of my best qualities, I would say.

22

I turned 22 on October 9th, 2011. It’s weird—it always is—to say that you’re a year older than you were before; even now, a month or so into my 22nd year.

You look at yourself and nothing physically has changed. My height is still 5’9”, my shoe size is still 11 inches, my penis hasn’t grown longer or thicker (but how awesome would it be if it had?!). I’m still physically the same. So what’s different?

One of the first questions people tend to ask when others turn a year older is, “Well, do you feel older?” The reply is almost always, “No.” To my surprise, however, this time it isn’t a no.

Do I feel 22? Yes— whatever “feeling 22” means.

I do feel older. Older, as in wiser, more adept to handle different situations better. I feel more hopeful. And it’s not because somebody has come into my life and everything seems better again. No, no.

Single or not, I feel stronger; like I can look back at everything that has happened in the past year and take from it a lesson that no professor or textbook can teach me. And this time, with a different mindset. 

I feel like I repeat myself every day, haha. To someone who has never met me or known of me, I would probably sound like a lunatic, rambling about hope and optimism and perseverance. Maybe I am a lunatic. However, it has never done me wrong. And that’s what fuels me.

You know, if I could have two things at this very moment, it would be some pizza and a blowjob. Simultaneously. It never hurts to be completely honest to yourself.

Maybe that’s what 22 is all about.

“Out with the old, in with the new”

I got my state ID card in the mail today. I opened it up with much enthusiasm and quickly smiled as I saw the photo they had taken of me. I don’t think I look too bad. I remember the lady who helped me fill out the papers at the DMV told me that I would laugh when I saw my picture. Looking back to that now, maybe she was only trying to scare me.

Finally, however, I can replace my expired passport. I would always use that thing as ID when buying alcohol, or just for professional or financial purposes, and it would always feel kinda shady, seeing as it was expired and the photo of me in it doesn’t really look like me anymore. Now, I finally have an up-to-date photo ID of myself and it feels good. Feels mature.

I’m glad I made the time to apply for one.

Strong

Whoever’s out there, perhaps watching all of us as we struggle with each new day, help me be strong. It gets hard sometimes. I can’t do it alone sometimes, you know? Just help me be strong.